A Vertically Rising Calendarial Unit

AN  UPDATE!!!

Get it?  Up? Date?  Right....

I live in the Washington DC Metropolitan Area.  I like sharks (that WILL be it's own post soon)!

The Discovery networks building is in Silver Spring, Maryland - a city butting against the boundary of the District of Columbia.  Shark Week 2012 was a couple weeks ago and this year they brought back Chompie!  He is a sight to behold.  Majestic and powerful as he bursts out of a glass office building to take a bit out of your soul.

Sadly,  Shark week is already over.  But that just means that the COUNTDOWN TO SHARK WEEK 2013 is ON!!!  WOOOO!

Arnold Promised...I delivered!!

...though long after he (and/or the franchise) delivered.

What do you call a hilarious moment of irony?
A ROFL Iron!!!

You're welcome.

Continental Asians Who Hate Disney

In a pre-emptive action to keep a Middle Eastern-styled 'Jasmine Revolution' from taking hold in their country's enormous (quantitatively speaking) young populace, the overbearing censorship-happy authoritarian Chinese government is banning jasmine-related things.  They've already banned access to a video clip of their own President singing a Jasmine-themed (no relation to the Revolution) song.  Reports suggest that actual Jasmine Flowers are soon to be banned, with extreme members of the government suggesting a ban on production of the ubiquitous Jasmine Rice, and some even going so far as to call for a halt to Jasmine Tea production (lest their impressionable youths get drunk on the subtle flavor of the flowery flames of populist revolution).  I've even read that they have recalled and stopped the sale of all forms of Disney's Alladin, citing ther a stream of subtext throughout the film encouraging their kids to rise against the establishment and fight against all odds for the Jasmine [Revolution].

Folks, in this era of cloned sheep, genetically modified vegetables, Justin Beiber's hairdo, and other crimes against nature, this beast was bound to rear its head given time.  Finally, the world has birthed Asians who will not be flicking V-signs wearing Mickey Mouse shirts as they go through customs at LAX (a-la that scene from the adequate Tom Hanks movie  'The Terminal').

Perhaps the Chinese government should have been tipped off to the film's true message when the Mandarin-Language DVD release was postponed after Disney recalled this original cover.

Extreme Survival - My Man-Crush on Bear Grylls

When I talk Extreme Survival, I'm not talking about being in Southeast DC! (That was funny because SE DC, as a very unfunny fact, has a fairly high crime rate.)

I'm talking about Bear Grylls.  Yeah, the guy from that Discovery Channel series Man vs Wild - Bear F-ing Grylls.
He's a certifiable British Badass, emphasis on both British and Badass.  His show is like a cross between the Boy Scouts and the Army Rangers, on steroids...without the emasculating side effects (of taking steroids, not being British).  He's such a British Badass, he makes David Beckham look like Elton John.

This dude's been a badass from birth.  Really, his name is Bear.  Heck yeah!  A couple months ago, I saw him in an episode in Alaska (I think Alaska, I know there was alot of snow) and in the first half of it he had captured a deer, strung it around a tree, and tied its antlers to the trunk (Bear said that a deer with a free head could easily stab you with its antlers unless it is restrained.  "If you control the head, you control the beast.").  Then he leaned over, pulled his knife out, and drove it into the base of the deer's head, where its skull joins its spine, and killed the thing.  To start the butchering of his food, he cut the thing's throat and blood literally poured out.
Then he said how much nutrients fresh blood contains, and he stuck his face in there and literally drank the blood from the deer as it poured out!!

Now thats friggin' badass manly stuff!  Oh yeah!!

And as an example of his British-ness, read this excerpt from the Discovery Channel's bio on him:

  "In June 2005, Bear broke a world record by hosting a dinner party at a table suspended below a hot air balloon at 24,500 feet. He rappelled from the balloon's basket to the table, where in full naval uniform he ate a three-course meal before saluting the queen and skydiving to earth."

Hosted a dinner party?  Three-course meal?  Saluted the Queen?  Yeah, I call British on that one  I hope he ate with a splayd.

He's so British and Badass.  I mean, c'mon!  He even delivered his own child!!  Though maybe that's just a British man thing (though I suspect he did this for all 3 of his children).  Or, it could have been a '08-'09 Holiday Season fad in England.  Following is a news clip** from England that could (sort-of) support either theory:

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But enough of singing the praises of Bear Grylls.  If you get Discovery Channel on your TV, watch it (check your local listings, broadcast times and dates may vary).  Or find episodes on the internet (preferably in a legal manner).  And if all this didn't convince you, does it help that in just about every episode, he gets naked (or at least shirtless),

eats some sort of grubby insect thingy (or snake, or a fish he just pulled out of a river or some sort of other raw flesh),

or he drinks his own pee - as evidenced in this quote from his blog:

  "It made fighting a big pit viper rattlesnake interesting! (Although I did eventually get it. I then could eat it, and then use its skin to store my urine in whilst in the burning hot salt pan desert. (The cocktail of snake innards and pee was truly terrible!)"

And if those things arent enough to convince you, check out this quote from the same post from his blog:

  "I was then in the swamps - these are always the toughest shows to do- and I did end up having a pretty full-on encounter with a 6ft alligator. I came out on top, just, skinned it for cordage for my camp to sleep in, rubbed the alligator fat on me for mosquito repellant and then ate it."
 
The question is how could you NOT watch AND love that.


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**The Bugle: Audio Newspaper for a Visual World
Issue 57 - Hats off to Obama, Shoes off for Bush
By Andy Zaltzman, John Oliver, Tom Wright
From Times Online, December 21, 2008

About Government, Sans Politics

For all we receive from society (not necessarily the federal, but specifically the immediate and local governments) - roads and related infrastructure, usually clean water, museums, certain grants and scholarships, and a portion of public television and radio - we are compelled in a mandatory manner to give back few times. Once a year on April 15th when our taxes are due (admittedly, we might be compelled to relinquish a larger percentage of what we’ve earned for our talents and labours than we might like) and the dreaded but socially important jury duty. Can anyone guess which social compulsion I fulfilled today (Nov 5 2009, that should give it away)?

Now, I relish the privilege of paying back for my voice as a citizen, you used to have to be male, of the majority class, and landed; but now you just have to pay taxes and show up for jury duty. Its sweet! I hadn't served before today, but now I understand why many people don't like it. There's alot of nothing going on there. But the worst thing is that they shove you and an ugly ass building. Really, I think a prison hallway might be nicer than the courthouse hallway. And the courtroom - beige acoustic panels and honey stained wood slat paneling with some sort of hovering, halo like lighting system and white noise coming through the speakers. Man, it was bad, but it was my civic duty.

Ans speaking of civic duty, Tuesday was Election Day. I hope that if you are a registered voter you did vote. You know what they say: thumbs separate us from the other animals, our minds separate us from the apes, and the ability to democratically vote separates us from the Canadians. Or something like that. I'm pretty sure that's how it goes.

I met a fella on Tuesday and he said he was from Virginia and I didn't even wish him a Happy Election Day! What's wrong with me? My mother would be so ashamed. I was out of the area for a week visiting home and I turned back into a Texan, not caring about the tiny slice of the rest of the world that isn't in that state. It was so negligent and rude of me, but I'll take this moment to share Election Day wishes from a show that I've grown to like more, especially recently.




Once again, I can't speak either way about the ad at the front end of this video.

If you didn't vote or aren't registered, you have plenty of time before next November where there will be tons more things and people to vote on.  Its midterms!  Hell yeah!  What, you're NOT excited about that?  Odd.

And remember how we elected that new guy into the White House last year? (No matter how you voted, you voted for a new guy.)  Anyway he's been hosting alot of really sweet events at the White House.  It makes sense, I mean, think about it.  When you get your first big, sweet ass house, what're you gonna do?  Thats right, throw a bunch of big, sweet ass house parties.  And you'll keep throwing bigger and badasser parties until the neighbors finally complain and the cops show up and people scatter and hide in the closets and showers.  Now I'm not saying the White House parties are gonna get that big, but look at it this way, a few weeks ago they had an outdoor rock concert of Latin music!  Thats a helluva White House Party!  I guess its been a gradual progression to get to that point.  Check out this clip from a poetry slam they hosted a while back:



Now that's a sweet party!  I love that Miranda guy!  He's awesome.

That's all for now my friends!  Until next time!

Sand Art? You’re Damned Right.

In this year’s Ukraine’s Got Talent reality TV competition, a young woman by the name of Kseniya Simonova killed the competition. Her act brought wonder and awe through a hybrid of performance art and an unconventional visual arts technique using her hands, a light box, and sand.

The Guardian, a UK news source, did a write-up about it. But that write-up used a reporting method which is becoming more the norm, but which really gets my goat. Now, how do you know that news sources are relying too heavily on the so-called ‘new social media’ for their content and less on respectable and proven journalistic techniques? When one of them puts out a piece about an artist and her work, and along with a barely passable regular review publishes comments saying that “sand is her bitch” from noted authority Jgoo24, and “I just jizzed in my pants” from art-world luminary deaddevil6. Nice.

But, before we criticize both the sources and content of these critiques, let's at least determine what the subject was of the art they were commenting on (maybe it was Warhol-esque, pop art styling, music and movie diva lips – which might make the comments more appropriate and acceptable). Here’s an excerpt from that Guardian piece:
”Here, she recounts Germany conquering Ukraine in the Second World War … a weeping widow …an obelisk for an unknown soldier ... with deft strokes … she moves the judges to tears as she subtitles the final scene ‘you are always near.’”
 
Oh, ok, there you go. Well done, The Guardian.

Here’s the full write-up.

And in case their embedded video didn’t load up (which happened with me the first time I went to that page), its right here:




As you can see, that Kseniya Simonova lady really does got talent. I wonder, could something so artsy get so far in the American version of that show? Or do we just appreciate dirty joke telling grandmothers a little but more?